La Cebolla - Bullshit From Abroad

The Proof

The Lies

Man Claims Gay Nights Out Were Essential To National Security
November 2006 KEY WEST, FORIDA-Living a life of deception has never been a problem for the troublemaking trubadour Max Lindez. Recent reports state he has been living in Key West, Florida conducting surveillance vital to the security of the country, working exclusively in the island's premier gay and transvestite clubs. Read More

Above: Max goes undercover at Key West's premier gay and transvestite bar.

You Know It's Funny, They Don't Look Mexican
November 2005 SEVILLA, SPAIN—Most people that know me know that I have a thing for everything Latin, the food, the women, the language, the people. I've been accused of wishing I was born Mexican (which isn't true, by the way) and I've also been accused of hating white women (which isn't true either). Just about every trip I’ve gone on my own within the last few years has been to somewhere in Latin America, and if it wasn’t down south, where I belong, I made damn sure to stock up on tacos and burritos before and after my trip. Read More

Above: Lidia Vargas of Spain does not look Mexican.

Confusing Flags Lands Man In Puerto Rico Instead of Cuba
April 2005 SAN JUAN, PUERTO RICO--After watching the HBO special of Oliver Stone's "Looking For Fidel" a confused freeloader headed out for what he thought was a pilgrimage Cuba. He was searching for free healthcare and a positive, welcome response from a government known throughout the world for putting the best interests of their people first. Instead, a simple mix-up of the two countries flags lands the freeloader on US soil where he was promptly greeted by the Customs and Naturalization authority. Read More

Above: Max pauses at the official door of Puerto Rico unsure and unaware of his fate.

Man Discovers Ancient Civilization of Lindez Still Intact In Perù
Rocktober 2004 PUEBLO DE LINDAY, PERÙ—After a 33 year long identity crisis the search for a place to call home came to a close for Max Lindez. The small and obscure but now famous Pueblo de Linday welcomed its newly honored guest on October 6th of 2004. This is the first time that anyone bearing the name Lindez has visited Pueblo de Linday which lies 63 kilometers east of Peru’s capital city of Lima. Read More

Above: Max poses by the clinic in the town that bears his name.

Boston - Man Proudly Celebrates 1/15th Irish Heritage
March 2004 SOUTH BOSTON, MA—The proud great-great grandson of Irish immigrant Bessie Conlin made his initial pilgrimage to South Boston this weekend to celebrate his deep Irish roots. The celebration this weekend was made complete with generous helpings of bangers and mash, blood pudding, Shamrock shakes and chocolate chip mint ice cream, all celebrating the traditional green colour of native Ireland. The easily challenged and often disturbed Max Lindez knows that difficulty in life often defines and strengthens one's character. Read More

Max Lindez proudly displays his family's long standing tradition of being Irish.

Man Gets Kicks on Route 66
December 2003 SANTA MONICA, CA — It's been long overdue but Max Lindez finally got what he's had coming for years, a kick where it counts on America's Highway, Route 66. For over thirty years no one has been safe around Max. No one has been immune to his sick humor. And now the people have spoken. In a trip down the Mother Road, Max continued to be himself, taking shots at everyone along the way, every ethnic group, old people, young people, slow drivers, fast drivers, men, women, everyone but himself. Read More

Max Lindez gets what he has coming to him on Historic Route 66.

Saddam Hussein Found Hiding Inside Bowl of Rice
September 2003 INCIRLIK/ADANA, TURKEY—The six month search for former Iraqi Presidential Dictator, the evil Saddam Hussein came to a conclusion last week when the president was found hiding inside a bowl of rice. The whereabouts of Saddam Hussein have been unknown since the Iraqi capital city Baghdad fell to US-led troops on 9 April. He was presumed to be alive and to have undergone cosmetic surgery to alter his appearance. Read More

Above: Khoi Nguyen finds Saddam in a bowl of rice.

Man Gets Gun For Christmas To Protect His Other Gifts
July 2003 NORTH POLE, ALASKA—After years of being stolen from, taken advantage of and being made the fool, Max Lindez decides it's time to protect the gifts that were given to him this past Christmas. To ensure things would not go wrong as in years previous Max made a trip to North Pole, Alaska to see his old friend Santa Claus about his dilemma. After hearing stories of theft and conspiracy Santa understood and gave Max a 9mm Sig Sauer pistol to guarantee future holiday cheer for many years to come. Read More

Above: Max Won't Be A Victim This Year Thanks To Santa Claus.

U.S. Unveils Top Secret Saddam Hussein Look-alikes
May 2003 TERCIERA ISLAND, AZORES—The United States made public last week its program to train Department of Defense employees to act as Saddam Hussein look-alikes. The White House Press Secretary told reporters last week that, "with the disappearance of Saddam Hussein and his doubles, our enemy has no face. We saw after 9-11 how difficult it is to fight an enemy without a face. The Coalition will never be faced with that problem again now that we have three (3) faces to go along with the legend of Saddam Hussein." Read More

US Military Personnel Give Instruction To Saddam Hussein, Saddam Hussein and Saddam Hussein.

Man Goes Through Dry Run of Winning Lottery
February 2003 BUENOS AIRES, ARGENTINA - After a lifetime of delusion and several months of careful planning, Max Lindez has decided it's time to go through a "dry run" of what it will be like when he actually wins the lottery. This dress rehearsal lasted nearly two weeks and touched the soil of three South American countries: Argentina, Uruguay and Brazil. Following the advice of his father for the first time in his life, Max skipped town to experience the initial phase of becoming a millionaire overnight-getting out of sight. Read More

Max practices being discrete with his millions.

Turkey Lover Makes Pilgrimage to Ancient Land Where Turkeys Come From
January 2002 INCIRLIK/ADANA, TURKEY - The lifelong dream to visit the home of turkeys was the best Christmas present that turkey lover Max Lindez has ever received. Since he was just a small child, mental midget Max Lindez has forever been fascinated by turkey bacon, turkey hot dogs, turkey burgers, turkey jerky, turkey sausage, turkey roasts, turkey filets, turkey schnitzel, wild turkey and anything else made with that fabulous wonder bird turkey. As a lifelong member of the National Turkey Federation, this was his moment of glory. Read More

Max Lindez is the happiest camper with a mouthful of turkey in Turkey.

Chicago's Vienna Beef Choir Cooks Up Tasty Music
November 2002 CHICAGO, IL— Fans of the historic standard Chicago staple diet and five century old choir music teamed up recently to form the much anticipated Vienna Beef Choir. "Chicago has it all when it comes to music and it has some of the best food on the planet too. Really, just look at how many phat people there are here. They don't call me Joel "Phatz" Paterson for nothing." Read More

The Vienna Beef Choir Sings Loud, Sings Proud On Damen Avenue.

Chicago Man's Bicycle Trek To See Santa
July 2002 NORTH POLE, ALASKA - Friday, July 28th, 2002 begun as just another pleasant and sunny Alaskan morning. Unsuspecting Sourdoughs and Pioneers of Alaska were not prepared for the shocking events that put North Pole on the map nor the events of that day which will forever be remembered. Twas the day Chicago crazy man in his own mind, Max Lindez, reached the Santa Claus House on his bicycle, all the way from the Lower 48. It was also the day the ignorant Chicagoan finally learned that there was no such thing as Santa Claus. Read More

Max Lindez Concludes His 3,520 Mile Bicycle Journey at an empty Santa Claus House in North Pole, Alaska.

National Guardsmen Deploy To Denmark To Participate In Real World Training Exercise
June 2002 BILLUND, DENMARK - Several members of the Illinois Air National Guard deployed to Denmark to participate in a NATO wide exercise last week. Training took place at the Legoland theme park in Billund, Denmark which boasts a facility built of over 50 million Lego bricks and over 50 training activities, sure to accommodate the needs of the 19 countries which make up the North Atlantic Treaty Organisation. Read More

Max Lindez Begins Pilot Training at Legoland in Billund, DenMax.

Guatemalans Sick of His Crap, Sends American Home
September 2001 ANTIGUA, GUATEMALA - In a daring but e-stupid attempt to cross the Guatemalan Border into El Salvador, the fugitive only known as "El Pingüino" has been caught. He was identified by six year old Juan Calos Omero who was drawn to the American when El Pingüino started making faces at him. Although he carried a bogus passport and unsuccesfully attempted to disguise his identity by growing a moustache, he gave authorities his real name under hours of brutal interrogation. He is now known as Max Lindez, Chicago native, wannabe rock star and deserter from the Illinois Air National Guard. Read More

Proud Memebers of the Civil National Police Liberate Guatemala by Escorting la persona non grata to the Airport.

¡Mustard Bandit Alert!
August 2001 ANTIGUA, GUATEMALA - Mustard Bandits have been at work recently in Guatemala. They work in pairs, one member usually squirting their victim's clothing from behind with mustard or some other liquid from a squirt bottle. The accomplice sometimes an attractive, well dressed woman, then approaches the victim, tells him he's got paint on him and offers to clean it up with paper towels. These are very clever pickpockets, which the victim usually doesn't realize until the next time he tries to find his wallet. Several tourists have been victimized. Read More

Evil Mustard Bandits hard at work in Antigua, Guatemala

Fugitive American Sought in Connection With Guatemalan Prison Escape
July 2001 ANTIGUA, GUATEMALA - 78 prisoners walked out of Granja Penal Canada, also known as "El Infierno," maximum security prison on Sunday, June 17th. The jail, in the Escuintla district 34 miles south of the capital, is known locally as ``hell'' because it is situated in one of the hottest regions of Guatemala and holds some of its most dangerous criminals. The doors were left open in a deal arranged by an American know only as "El Pinguino.. Read More

Photo of the fugitives that escaped from "El Infierno" Prison on 17 Jun 01

Veteran Celebrates US Independence By Leaving Country
July 2001 ANTIGUA, GUATEMALA - After 12 years of military service Max Lindez decides it's time to show off his pride to the people of Antigua, Guatemala. "When someone on the street told me it was the Fourth of July I figured I better start celebrating," says the expatriate. "When I was going through my bag I discovered that I had a US stamp that has the American Flag on it so I took the opportunity to show just how proud I am to be an American." Read More