So when I found out I was going to Spain I was totally stoked. The Holy Grail. The end of the rainbow. Where it all started. It’s like going straight to the factory and getting a discount. Plus there’s the added benefit of bullfights, watching people get run over by bulls and watching people throw tomatoes at themselves. I was gonna live it up and nothing was gonna stop me.

Now don’t get me wrong about Spain. It was cool but the Mexican food was totally lousy and they did a pretty damn poor job of trying to act and look Mexican. I’m as white as they come and I look more Mexican compared to some of these people. People, where’s your pride? Where’s your heritage? Where’s your roots? I’m more Mexican than these people over there in Spain, and that’s where Mexican’s come from originally. That's where they were made. What’s happened to their culture? Gone totally downhill, that’s what happened. Sad state of affairs over there in Spain.

I was really disappointed by them but I didn't let that stop me from having a good time, which was a bit difficult given the circumstances. Went to about 10 different cities, went to the beach quite a few times, even slept on the beach, went to a bullfight (they’re really boring-just go to get it checked off your list), checked out a few castles and old churches, smacked up the car a few times and almost got attacked by a monkey. So yeah, it was fun, but I just couldn’t relax while I was there and I certainly don’t trust those people. I mean, how could you trust them, after they totally forgot about being Mexican? That didn’t jive to well with me and I let them know.

And did you ever hear they way they talk? They’ve got this annoying lisp, like saying Th-pain or Bar-th-elona. Really annoying. I live near Humboldt Park in Chicago and if you go around talking like that in my neighborhood you get your ass kicked. Quick! Supposedly there was some prince that talked with a lisp and the people changed the way they talk out of respect to him. Out of respect? They totally ruined the entire language! You don’t hear people talk like that in Mexico. No. They talk real good Spanish down there. That’s why there’s a lot of language schools in Mexico and Guatemala, because they speak Spanish well and they speak it the way it was meant to be spoken. One word, Respect.

Now let me tell you about that crap they try and feed you. A grilled ham and cheese sandwich? Greasy cold cuts that stain your fingers and crusty old cheese? A little plate with olives, that aren’t even pitted! What kind of crap Mexican food is that? It’s insulting, that’s what it is. I had to go all the way down to Taco Bell at the American Navy base to get a chipotle grilled stuffed burrito and a double decker taco just to get by. Taco Bell, by the way, I find almost as insulting to Mexican food as that slop they’re serving in Spain. There’s a lot of us fat people in Chicago and we know our food, that’s for sure. We have some of the best food on the planet. Look at how huge we are. Are you gonna tell me I don’t know the difference between good Mexican food and bad Mexican food? If you know what’s good for you you’ll keep your mouth shut because I’m pissed. One of the biggest cultural catastrophes in our time and I’m the only person that seems to be speaking up about it. I’m not that much of an activist but come on, a monkey could figure out it just ain’t right over there.

I’m just glad I wasn’t there for Cinco de Mayo because I would’ve been really disappointed.