Man Gets Gun For Christmas To Protect His Other Gifts - Fairbanks Daily News Miner

NORTH POLE, ALASKA—After years of being stolen from, taken advantage of and being made the fool, Max Lindez decides it's time to protect the gifts that were given to him this past Christmas.

Above: Max Won't Be A Victim This Year Thanks To Santa Claus.

To ensure things would not go wrong as in years previous Max made a trip to North Pole, Alaska to see his old friend Santa Claus about his dilemma. After hearing stories of theft and conspiracy Santa understood and gave Max a 9mm Sig Sauer pistol to guarantee future holiday cheer for many years to come.

Santa being all knowing knew of Max's unfortunate past well before his arrival at the Santa Claus house in North Pole, Alaska. Santa, who knows everything already, knew Max was gonna ask for a gun this Christmas well before his arrival this June. Santa knows who's bad and who's good. Santa knows who's gonna get a cap in their ass for messing with other people's shit. Santa gets tired of doing all the hard work year in and year out just to have punks go around and mess it up.

Max got his inspiration from a Christmas album by one of his favorites, a musical group called The Vandals, specializing in joke oriented Punk Rock. He always like singing along with "A Gun For Christmas" but never made the connection until after being stolen from for the last time.

Max says, "you know, a lot of music these days is bad for kids. You know like "Cop Killer" and that white rap guy who sings about burying his ex-wife. I'm so glad that I don't get caught up in all that garbage. I like stuff with a positive message. I like stuff that talks about unity."

Max sings, "I won't be a victim this year thanks to Santa Clause/Sleeping with no fear of danger and it's all because/I'll get a gun for Christmas to protect my other gifts/I'll only tell you once stay away from my shit. Bullets send a Christmas message that is clear and loud/Says I won't take all of this bullshit lying down/I'll get a gun for Christmas to protect my other gifts/I'll only tell you once stay away from my shit."

The "Oi! to the World" CD also contains tracks like, "Nothing's Gonna Ruin My Holiday," "My First Christmas As A Woman" and "Thanks For Nothing."

	Above: The Gun Given To Max By Santa Claus.

Santa Claus gave Max a gun without even having to question mental stability or a previous criminal record Like the Brady Bill does and he did it on the spot without a three day waiting period. Santa no longer has to worry about people messing up the hard work that he does every year for all the good boys and girls throughout the world. Santa is considering including a gun with each visit next year which is like an insurance policy in a way, there will be less presents to pass out in future years because all of the gifts will not be f*#@*d with. It can be thought of as a long term investment.

Max will no longer be a victim on Christmas or any other day of the year thanks to Santa Claus.

Santa says, "Max is truly one of our everyday heroes, taking up arms against those who break the law. This is also a compliment to our system granting us as US citizens the right to bear arms. If this right were taken away we would have no failsafe against criminal activities. Without a failsafe we would be looking at higher taxes which means less money for you, less money for me which, in turn, would mean less presents for all the good boys and girls.”

With this years Christmas looking very optimistic, Max asked Santa for guns for all his friends and family. Santa declined comment but said, "I can assure you that this holiday season will be the best ever, but not for everyone!."

Santa concluded by saying, “I’m only trying to help.”