You Think You're Tough?

So You Wanna Date My Daughter?

Sign Here x                                 

By Curtis Frost

 

Dating Agreement

I, _________________________, being of sound mind and fairly good body, agree to the following as presented by Mr. Frost, (Ashley’s father and provider and protector, etc., herein referred to as her/she).

 1. FULL DISCLOSURE: At the commencement of said relationship  (colloquially referred to as the first date or match up), I agree to fully disclose any current girlfriends, bizarre religious beliefs, phobias, fears, strange political affiliations, or currently active relationships with anyone else that have not yet been terminated. Further, I agree to make known any deep-seated mother/father/brother/sister complexes and fanatical obsessions with pets, hobbies, or organized sports. Failure to make these disclosures will result in the immediate termination of this relationship before it has a chance to get started.

 2. INDEMNIFICATION OF FRIENDS: I agree to hold the person who arranged the liaison (colloquially referred to as the "matchmaker") blameless in the event that she finds me to be a "real loser" or "psycho".

 3. DEFINITION OF RELATIONSHIP: Should this relationship proceed past the first "fix-up" I agree to use the following terminology in describing "dating": For the first thirty (30) days I will refer to our outings as "going out". (This neither implies nor states any guarantee of exclusivity.) Following the first thirty (30) days I must tell other girls that I am "seeing somebody" and may be referred to by third parties as "an item". Sixty (60) days following the commencement of the "first date" I may elect to use the term "girlfriend" and mutual acquaintances may refer to us as "a couple". Under no circumstances are the phrases "my sugar momma," "the little woman," "the old ball and chain," or "my old lady" acceptable.  Further, if both members of the party consent, this timetable may be speeded up; however, if I "get too serious" and disregard this schedule, then she may dissolve the relationship on the grounds of "moving too fast" and may once again be said to be "on the Market."

 4. TERMS OF EXCLUSIVITY: For the first thirty (30) days I agree not to ask questions about her whereabouts on weekends, weeknights, or over long holiday periods. No unreasonable demands or expectations will be made; I have no "rights" or "holds" on the other's time. Following the first six weeks or forty-five (45) days, if she continues to be "missing in action" without explanation, I agree to "give up".

 5. DATING ETIQUETTE: For the first thirty (30) days I agree to be overly considerate of her work/school pressures, schedules, and business ambitions. A maximum of one or two phone calls, at the most, may be made between the hours of 4:00 p.m. and 9:30 p.m. prior to school days and not earlier than 9:00 a.m. nor later than 11:00 p.m. on weekends.  Returned phone calls by her is an option and a non-returned phone call cannot be questioned. Additionally, all “dates” requires permission from parents at least twenty-four (24) hours in advance and she must arrive home in time to be in the house by the set curfew time, which at this time is 12:00 p.m., no exceptions.  There will be no "running off" to console an old girlfriend, and I agree to strike the phrase "but she needs me" from my vocabulary. Further, I will arrange the delivery of, or deliver, unexpected bouquet of flowers and provide flowers on special occasions and school dances. 

 6. TERMS OF PAYMENT: It is agreed that - respective gross income aside - "I" will pick up the tab at all dinners, theaters, dances and events unless:

           (a) She, for some really special occasion, decides to do otherwise, or

           (b) we are broke up.     

 7. THE "L" WORD: Until I have graduated from college and have established a good career, I agree not to use the phrase "I love you."  I may love plants, dogs, cats, cars, concerts, or the way a particular pair of jeans fits, but I do not truly understand what “I love you” means and therefore will reframe from using the term.  Failure to abide by this rule will result in her using the "G" word... "Gone."

 8. GROUNDS FOR TERMINATION: Any of the following will be grounds for immediate termination and final dissolution of this relationship:

(a)    Not getting permission from her parents to take her places;

(b)    Once out, going someplace else other than where I told her parents we were going;

(c)    Not being a perfect gentlemen and keeping my hands to myself;

(d)    Excessive use of chatty French/Spanish phrases; or

(e)    After a date, parking the car any other place other than her home or sitting in the car for more than 2 minutes, especially in a secluded area or in front of her house.

 9. DECLARATION OF STRENGTH: At the time of breakup she reserves the right to make me feel guilty by using one or all of the following phrases: 

           (a) "You'll never find anybody better";

           (b) "Nobody could ever make you happy";

           (c) "I'll find somebody who can really appreciate me" 

10. MISCELLANEOUS:

(a) I agree to give her at least 24-hour notice before terminating said relationship;

(b) I agree to remain exclusive until such time as she terminates the relationship;

(c) At the termination of said relationship:

(1) I agree to be mature and return all her personal items such as, CDs, books, tapes, pictures, etc. with all due haste through impartial intermediary;

(2) I agree to wait at least seventy-two hours before engaging in another relationship, and never with any of her friends;

(3) I agree to refrain from slandering her and I further consent to her using one of the following nebulous terms in the description of the breakup

"The timing wasn't right";

"He wanted more than I could give";

"He was too involved in his life";

"He was a jerk!” 

 11. ADDENDUM: After the initial breakup - no matter what - I agree to give the relationship "one more shot" only if she wants too.