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Lindez Hard At Work With the Red Cross
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In a daring but e-stupid attempt
to cross the Guatemalan Border into El Salvador, the fugitive only known as "El Pingüino" has been caught. He was identified
by six year old Juan Calos Omero who was drawn to the American when El Pingüino started making faces at him.
Although he carried a
bogus passport and unsuccesfully attempted to disguise his identity by growing a moustache, he gave authorities his real name under hours of brutal interrogation. He is now known
as Max Lindez, Chicago native, wannabe rock star and deserter from the Illinois Air National Guard.
Sentencing commenced on the fourth of
August where Max was assigned to work with the Red Cross for the month. "We're e-specialists in rehabilitation so
I know just how to handle this e-situation," commented Jorge López, Max Lindez' Field Camp Co-ordinator for the Red Cross.
"I have something e-special for him that I'm sure will e-straighten him right out," e-says López.
Breaking
News
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Proud
Memebers of the Civil National Police Liberate Guatemala
by Escorting la persona non grata to the Airport. |
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Guatemalans Sick of His Crap, Sends American Home - Nuestro
Diario
After
months of bad jokes, insults and an imposing superiorority complex it's finally
time for Max Lindez to return Home. Deportation hearings were skipped due to a
clause in the Guatemalan Constitution that gives the president the right to
revoke civil liberities in times of national emergencies. The insolent foreigner
was kicked out of Guatemala on September 5th.
"If it wasn't one thing its another" replied one of
Max's co-workers with the Red Cross. He also adds that "If he wasn't in the bathroom for an entire hour, making the rest of us wait,
he'd break the plumbing so the rest of us wouldn't be able to use it." Yet another local adds "Who the hell does he think he is anyway?
He gets busted and now we gotta take care of him! No creo qué si."
He tried to hide his identity by posing as a
student but his teacher knew the real story. "We started to realize that he wasn't serious about his studies. He showed up but he was
always taking a coffee break or in the bathroom. He never wanted to study and never did his homework. He only wanted to learn
the bad words."
Upon
his return Max must report immediately to the Illinois Air National Guard where
he is facing disciplinary action for his unbecoming conduct this summer.
According to Max's boss, Senior Master Sergeant Danny Tindle, "I have
plenty of work lined up for Max this weekend. I'll be away all weekend at my
daughter's soccer game so I've left plenty of work behind for him to do."
Joel Pattterson, Chicago
Blues Artist, Has All This Stuff To Do.
Vince Ventrella
Splurges, Pays Half Then Confides He's Feeling Kinda Squirrely.
Guitar Player
Trapped In Attic Thinks Rockabilly Is Still In.
Terrorist
Threat No Match For Tall Foreigner.
Pinguino
Merges With Soft Drink Giant to Crush Competition.
Pinguinos
Kick Ho-Ho's Ass